Cynicism At HER Finest

Heartbreak can be a terrible thing. What am I saying, “can” be?..it FUCKING IS.

Alright, but where is the line between a lesson learned and heartbreak turning us into cynics?

I have been hearing from a lot of cynical people lately..and by “people”, I mean women. Here are some of the things that have been said to me in the last few weeks…in warning I guess:

“All men lie!”

“All men cheat!”

“Don’t get married!”

Though women vent to me about their heartbreak or problems in their relationships, (you think I would have sworn off men by now).. I don’t know why, but as much as I’ve heard this recently, I just don’t believe that all men are dogs.

I still believe in the good in people. I believe in the good in men.

I am however, sitting here wondering where all of this comes from.

Because it seems, the finest of cynics have made themselves present to me recently, most of them women,  I am addressing my ladies in this post..only because it’s been my experience lately.

In observation.. I am seeing, many women are punishing men, either men in general or even in their current relationships because of their past.

Why?

Maybe you’ve been cheated on…awful. Maybe he treated you less than what you deserve…and you put up with it…for a long time. I can see how that might cause some bitterness in women..especially when you gave him everything or opened up to him and he took advantage of that. I get it.

Though this is not the case with every woman… issues I have encountered or have been on the phone (ear) receiving end of the conversation..it seems there is a lot of SETTLING going on.

Here comes the rant, and where I believe a lot of cynicism breeds…like the plague.

“I can change him” —

Every woman would LOVE to be the one he changes for…

Here’s the thing, you can’t change anyone. Don’t go into a relationship thinking they will change for you. Was he a mess when you met him? Well he will more than likely continue to be that way. Sorry.

The other day my friend said : My wife new I was dick when she married me, years later, I’m not changing! If I do change, it will be for me..not because she nags me to”

You knew what you signed up for…this isn’t a movie, this is real life. Accept him as he is in the beginning or don’t get involved.

If it’s bad and you can’t change it..here is one thing you can change..YOU. You have control over your life. So if you find you are unhappy,  don’t wait for the world to change…you do something about it.

You stay in an unhappy relationship and try to convince yourself (and others) that you are going to be ok.. or we will stick it out “for now” you are not truly being open to what you really deserve. You can’t possibly be open to someone treating you EXACTLY as you deserve to be treated, when you are hanging on to see if the other person will change…next thing you know, years have gone by and guess what..it’s just like yesterday..they are still the same..but maybe now, YOU are different…yeah, now you are even more bitter and resentful because you spent so much time “hoping”.

You’ve spent all of this time trying to figure out why they are the way they are, will they change? Will this get better? The whole time the other person is just…living…being them..so if you do eventually get the balls to go, you are all sorts of angry..and the other person doesn’t get it…because again, they’ve just been themselves.

“Sometimes you have to let go of what you want, to remember what you deserve”

Men should be treated like Kings and women like Queens..period.

“I’m afraid”

Seriously? What are you afraid of? Starting over? Stop being a pussy. Are you afraid of finding a love that will compromise with you and love you in a way that you didn’t even know existed?

Well, as hard as it’s been to convince some girls that it exists… it’s out there…BUT you can’t be open to it, if you are stuck in some rut and just chalk it up to “well I’m just stupid I guess” you don’t have to be…tough lesson to learn (trust me, took me a long time) but an important  one..and once you learn it, you will find happiness.

I think it’s important to remember that they are not the last person you will ever love…and that will ever love you.

“But the sex…it’s the best ever!” Well, I promise you…they are not the last person who will every put it down like that.

It’s a given that when you find someone who is madly in love with you, even then, it won’t be perfect, but of course that’s not what one should be looking for.

“So then I should stay?”

Not saying that either. If you spend most of your relationship in some emotional mess and spend time thinking “it will get better” get used to that… because you will be saying it for the next 20 years. Good luck with that.

Do you sit there thinking somethings missing?

You should feel fulfilled! A relationship should take you to a better you, not break you down. Stop being a chicken shit!

Every where you look, there are jerks, and liars and cheaters out there but I’m beginning to think the real problem is:….US! WOMEN! We allow the behavior, so therefore, it continues. It may not be you that accepts the cheating or shitty treatment but other women do, it’s sad, but it doesn’t make the search for a guy head over heels in love with you hopeless.

“But We have kids”

I don’t have kids, and I know I have no way to understand what that is like right now….I know divorce can be even harder when you do have them… but here’s what I have learned….this is not the 1950’s. People don’t stay together for the kids anymore and kids are not stupid. They know when they have 2 miserable parents. I come from a divorced family. I am so happy my parents didn’t stay together. Both have remarried and have been with their spouses for over 20 years. I can’t even imagine what my life would be like if my parents would have stayed together.

So I know divorce is one of the worst things you will ever go through but there again, if you do have to go through it, there is happiness in your future, and sometimes you have to go through those things in order to embrace true happiness.

He may be a good person, so are you..but that doesn’t mean you are a good fit together.

“But he takes care of me”

What is “taking care of me” anyway?

To me, just because a guy buys you material things does not mean he’s taking care of you. It does NOT mean he treats you like a queen. Your heart, your soul, should be the only thing that needs taking care of, not your wallet and not your wardrobe. Things are nice, but “things” serve as a terrible band-aid to cover wounds that need major surgery.

I want to look back at life and realize I spent most of it being HAPPY! Not sad, not frustrated, and crying all the time over some dumb shit that didn’t know how to treat me.

I know… because the fear of being alone can be so overwhelming..many will in fact settle, because on occasion, your relationship is “not bad”

Well fine, settle then. It’s your life..you are the one who has to deal with the bitterness and resentment from doing so.

“Ok, I’ve had enough..I’m ready to take back control, ready to change my life”….

So you finally do break up… what now?

It’s going to hurt…a lot.

I promise you the world is NOT going to end. It will hurt though, and for a while you will want to die..but it will make you appreciate the right person when they come along. I don’t believe in fate or that there is one person out there for everyone..but I believe you will meet someone who will give you everything you want and need as long as you are willing to give the same, and open to receiving it.. I mean truly open to…not being someones “In the meantime” or treating someone as your “In the meantime”.

Where is the self esteem!? It’s important to find happiness within yourself. Try to work on finding happiness alone and not needing a man to complete you. I know a lot of woman can lose confidence during a break up..well, no better time than now to find it!

WE RUN THIS….

Ladies, be CONFIDENT! Walk into a room like you own it because you fucking do! Not feeling it? Act like you are and it will come to you (“Fake it ’til you make it”) Keep yourself busy. Go make new friends, take a dance class, do something to find yourself again!

After heartbreak, it’s not the easiest thing to put yourself out there again…

“I’m scared it will happen again..I’m scared he’ll break my heart”

It can be scary, and caution is good, but don’t shy away from love for fear of heartbreak..WELCOME IT! Welcome heartbreak! If you want to find love, be open to it, and know that sometimes that comes with heartbreak but it’s ok… because heartbreak reminds you that you are still capable of giving love, and capable of giving yourself.

Round 2, 3, 4, and 5….

You may go back to the person you break up with… it happens.. I’ve done it. For a second..the relationship feels new again and that’s what you hold on to…but the feeling doesn’t last. People. don’t. change! People hate to hear the truth sometimes.  They prefer lies because they don’t have to deal with the reality of things.. but on top of the truth of a failed relationship is the truth and promise of a better one. Believe it.

That’s right..BELIEVE. Don’t be bitter! Believe that you will meet someone fantastic and there will not be a day that you question if it will get better.

All we do by clinging to a “what if”, “I hope” “let’s see” is build resentment and THAT’s where you may become cynical later.

“Be brave to say ‘goodbye.’ Believe, that life will reward you with a newer, bigger and better “hello.”

I’m not afraid. I have had my heartbroken, more than once. It sucks.  I’m so grateful it happened though, because when I look back, I deserve better..and have learned that I won’t settle.

It’s time to take back the value in YOU. You’d be a lot happier, less bitter, less cynical, and maybe actually be open to the King that will treat you like a Queen.

I’m saying… grow a pair, realize you deserve…THE VERY BEST because you give the best….and DON’T punish the next guy because of how your ex treated you.

Men should be innocent until proven guilty… but it seems now a days, men are guilty until proven innocent.

Trust him until he gives you a reason not to. Don’t sit there and constantly wait for the other shoe to drop

I still believe in love. Not ridiculous movie love but the real thing where even when real life things happen, his eyes still  sparkle from the very sight of you.

Maybe I am delusional …but join me won’t you? It’s a place I find that no matter the amount of heartbreak.. I believe that I am worth someone being faithful to me, someone treating me like a queen.

14 comments for “Cynicism At HER Finest

  1. June 25, 2010 at 9:45 am

    “I can change him” —

    Thank you for saying this. It’s one of the things I hate about women sometimes. You can’t believe how many times I’ve heard, “But you’ve changed. I don’t remember you being so selfish.” Um, hello…I say it! I admit it freely! I told you ahead of time. Are you kidding me?

    One of these days, I hope I find a woman who I adore who accepts that asshole within. 🙂

  2. June 25, 2010 at 10:20 am

    Typical San Diego Single Woman trajectory: Stage 1: Woohoo! Pacific Beach/Downtown/Insert-douchefactory-zone-name-here! Stage 2: Meet good guy, have good time, break up to date douches instead. Stage 3: Sift through douches desperately until relationship starts with one that seems promising. Stage 4: Break up and skip over all the nice guys because you are “not ready yet.” Immediately find next douche. Stage 6: Move back to Oklahoma/NYC/Chicago/Minnesota/Phoenix/wherever… with HPV/HIV/HEP A-B-C or some other set of letters you “earned” in college.

    I think that a big part of this is the HUGE amount of marketing that goes into making women who they are. The fairy tale mentality is a problem.

    “He’s a bad boy, and she’s his redeeming lady.” Common story line. Bullshit. Bad boys serve two purposes in life: wrecking good women and going to jail after breeding out of wedlock. Stop dating them.

    “The player who she will help settle down.” Also bullshit. Enjoy your venereal-disease-laden future. You’re basically being fed lines to inflate an ego and serve as his cum-dumpster. Don’t. And don’t pretend you did not know if you do hook up with these.

    “He just parties a little more than most.” No, he is a drug addict and/or drunk. Maybe you can have that in common when desperation finally overcomes the Lifetime Channel dreams.

    “He is really passionate and he doesn’t take shit.” Enjoy your free nose jobs and black eyes. Congratulations, you are a punching bag and maybe even will come to see it as a twisted form of love. If you saw it coming, well… I agree with him: you had it coming for waiting on it.

    This crap is why I keep my nice friends from dating here. I take them other places. I introduce them to people I know. I network them among the few sane people left. The whole pool is pretty nasty out there, and only getting worse because of how transient the douche population is.

    The only constant? We seem to attract more when any leave. Douches. Of both sexes. And ladies, there’s a reason the nice guys have stopped trying with you. The stink of your bad decision making is all over you in the form of the above-discussed cynicism.

  3. DrakePB
    June 25, 2010 at 10:24 am

    as cliche as it is, it’s true that “the only person you can change is yourself” It took me a long time to learn that and I’ve found that once I did realize it, it was a lot easier to be myself and a lot easier accept my flaws.

  4. June 25, 2010 at 10:33 am

    this is the best post yet 🙂 Speaking from experience, I was definitely in one of those “I=can=change=him” relationships. Two years and thousands upon thousands of dollars in debt later, I realized we were not meant for each other. I took the plunge, and moved to another state (San Diego, CA).

    At a lesbian party, who should I meet but my amazing boyfriend who is perfect in his imperfect ways, suits me in just about every aspect, treats me like a queen and loves me intensely. My present relationship is one of equal respect, trust and lots and lots of love and friendship 🙂 Thank goodness I was honest with myself, faced my fears and let go.

    Of course, if I didnt move to San Diego, I would not have met fabulous women like you Lolo 😉 and Renee, and countless other friends 😀

    • June 25, 2010 at 10:41 am

      Now THIS is what I’m talking about!! You are the prime example of not settling and your relationship is FULL of love..not just a friendly love but an IN LOVE relationship that you knew you deserved! Very happy to hear this! Hopefully others will read your comment and gain some hope. And yes, glad you moved here.. I think you are fabulous too 😉

  5. June 25, 2010 at 12:45 pm

    Great post…

  6. July 3, 2010 at 9:52 pm

    I recently stumbled upon your blog, and I just wanted to tell you how much I LOVE it!! As a newly single girl, your posts definitely give me hope and put a smile on my face 🙂 Your stories remind me of a female, less vulgar version of Tucker Max’s website, in a GOOD way! I just broke up with my high school boyfriend of 4 years and have never really dated anyone besides him. Your blog is an inspiration to me to get back out there and to remember to live your life and have FUN 🙂 I definitely am looking forward to following your adventures 🙂

    • July 3, 2010 at 10:02 pm

      This has to be one of the best compliments I have ever gotten. Thank you so much! I’m deeply flattered:). CHEERS to you honey and your new adventures as well! Very excited for you and wishing you the very best as you go forward on this amazing ride called “single life”. Enjoy it:)

  7. July 27, 2010 at 11:43 am

    I have to say, this post really speaks to me. I have been hating on men quite a bit lately. While it’s fun, it obviously isn’t fair because I truly don’t think all men suck. Just the ones I’ve met. I’m going to try to embrace this positive outlook and give guys a chance a bit more. And maybe I should suspend my new (and oh so fun game) of ending other people’s sentences with “Cause men suck.” It’s actually pretty fun to do – kind of like ending fortunes with “in bed” or when someone says something potentially risque, “that’s what she said.” Try it, it’s fun. And then be an optimist and give every guy a chance. It’s impossible that they ALL suck!

    • August 4, 2010 at 8:19 pm

      LOL Catherine. I get that game. I’ve heard MANY of my girlfriends play it…but at some point it turns into their reality. You are right..they don’t all suck and all the guys that do suck, make you appreciate the good ones when they come along 🙂

  8. July 27, 2010 at 7:20 pm

    I’ve been cheated on, dumped, lied to, and even been cooked raw chicken, but that’s no reason to give up–trust me. I’ve been with big daddy for 5 months now, going on 6–and things are looking good over here in Brooklyn!

    :0)

    • August 4, 2010 at 8:20 pm

      So happy for you and big daddy:) You deserve it Nando!!

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