It’s My Vag in a Box!

Sometime in January, I was waiting for one of my new cook books from amazon.com to arrive.

Finally, one day, the UPS guy rings my doorbell. I ran downstairs.  I knew what he had for me…. I had been waiting for it, and couldn’t wait to try out new recipes on unsuspecting victims… a.k.a. “my friends.”

I grabbed the box, and proceed to tear through it.  I was anxious..and hungry.

I suddenly went from hungry to confused… What is this? What does it say? Is this some fancy new recipe sample or something? All I saw at first was that it said “Do-It-Yourself Molding Kit” What? Is this for cake? No,that’s not what it said….and that’s not what it was for.  My UPS guy had just delivered to me, one of THESE fancy devices:

What the F!? I didn’t know what to do except laugh in confusion, then send all of my friends a picture of it of course.

Who would send this to me? Could not be anyone I had recently dated, well   because I hadn’t dated anyone recently lol.

If that was a gift, it would have to be from someone who knew me…WELL. Not anyone I could think of.

I asked some friends what they thought… “Well, guess the word is out that you’re a freak and would appreciate something like this!” One of my girlfriends said: “Haha! They thought it was so good they want you to make another one!”

They? Who’s they? I’m very selective about who I’m intimate with and only a select few have seen THAT side of me..

I don’t let my “freak flag fly” if you will …

Must be a joke…….

Or a mistake. I took out the packing slip.

Well, there was no need to spend $50 on a joke.

The “To” info was me…and the “From” info was also Me.

So I called and spoke to their customer service.

“Hi, I received this umm, gift from you guys but I didn’t order this. It has my information on the to and from info.”

Her: “Ok Ma’am, well it is possible that someone sent you an anonymous gift, then the to and from info would be the same”

Me: “Wrong address maybe?”

Her: “Well if they did put the wrong address, it was placed 3 times incorrectly, and it still matches your name”

Me: “Ok, well the credit card info must be different unless someone used my credit card info?”

They used a Visa. Mine was a Mastercard.

Me: “Well the billing info must be different..it has to match the credit card in order for the transaction to go through?”

Her: “No Ma’am, it doesn’t”

Me: “So you have NO other info whatsoever, on who might have sent this to me? Umm, do you know WHAT the gift is?”

Her: “Hahaaaa, yes Ma’am, I can see the order on the screen. It is so strange that we have no other info, it looks like you got an anonymous gift!”

Me: “It is strange! If someone is going to send me something…they should at least send me something I can use!”

Well she was no help. I thought to just return it.

I figured, I didn’t want it…it never occurred to me to just throw it away….or try to see if they’d let me exchange it for something else at least!

I was leaving to New York for trip #2  in 2 days and my parents were coming to stay at my house while I was gone…I had to hide the thing.  It came in this over-sized box!

I could see it now..with my luck my Dad would find it: “Mija, what ees thees thing here? I’m gonna tell ju Mom what I find here and she gonna wheep ju butt”

I had to hide it somewhere they wouldn’t think to look. So I hid it under a huge old pile of clothes I was getting ready to give to goodwill….then took that pile and put it in the guest bedroom in the closet, and then put, 2 suitcases and boxes around it. Inconspicuous enough?

I would figure out what to do with it when I got home.

Well, I forgot all about it….

I just came across it today, as I was organizing things in my closet.

I personally think this thing was sent to me by mistake…and somewhere, someone’s  wondering “What in the World happened to my Clone-A-Vagina?!!!”

Should I keep it? Where though? My “goody” drawer is already overstuffed. Is this something I could put in a safety deposit box?

Maybe I will use it someday for a boyfriend? Like if he travels a lot, I can say “Oh don’t forget the portable vag?” Yes? Or wait for a special occasion like our anniversary or  a Christmas gift , and put it in a nice box with big bows.

Seems easy enough to do…

“1. Cut a whole in the box”

“2. put my vag in that box”

“3. Let him open the box”

“And that’s the way you do it!”