Like a Fish Out of Water

Ever get the feeling like you are somewhere you don’t belong??

I’ve started to feel that way about the dating scene in California… though I don’t know anything else. I have never lived outside of California.

I have a girlfriend who always says “California boys don’t know how to treat a lady. California boys are jerks”

I would always tell her that I didn’t understand what she was saying, but I think I’m beginning to see what she is talking about.

How is it that I have lived in California my whole life but can feel so out of place with the guys here?

San Diego is the only place I’ve ever really dated since I moved here shortly after the Air Force.  So you would think I’d be used to the laid back mentality..but somehow,I find myself thinking sometimes:”What am I doing here? Why do all of the guys seem to be the same? This isn’t it, right?”

Well in my five years of living here, I have found my experience to be that yes, many..NOT ALL, but many are the same.  There is a lack of chivalry, originality, and all in all, what I’ve experienced, is that very few care to make an effort on any level at all.

What happened to courtship? Now guys just want to “hang out” Does no one want to go on dates anymore?

It doesn’t have to be this awesome but a little effort would be nice.

It seems to have become the typical thing now for guys to just want to hang at your place or theirs without even investing anytime in a date. I get that you can’t go on dates all of the time…and when you are with the right company…a movie at home can be the best date ever..but before even date number 1?

Is it the so-cal mentality?  The flip flops with jeans kind of, “yeah bro, so gnarly,let’s smoke a bowl,surf, and live off unemployment for a while” kind of attitude.  I have to say, even with women. I have a hard time meeting women with any kind of goals for themselves and it overall makes it hard to make friends. I am selective about the company I choose and when many of the girls my age just want to party, I wonder if I’m part of only a handful of women who strive for greatness and success..in ANY form. So many ladies spend their last dime on the hottest clothes just to look good enough to snag a guy with money without any care to try and make money on their own…

I’ve never gotten used to it.

Commitment…or lack thereof:

Is there a lack of people wanting to commit because they feel they may find something better?

“The Grass is Greener” Mentality

It’s no secret that you may have a gorgeous girlfriend but you will ALWAYS find someone hotter….trust me. So at what point do we grow up and say: “Looks aren’t everything” and actually take the time to get to know people on a deeper level? I know attraction is a must, but what about when you find someone you are attracted to, are you still looking for something better? Are there so many pretty girls in San Diego that guys feel no real effort has to be made because if she doesn’t like it…there’s a girl around the corner that will?

Why enter into a relationship then? If you are thinking of someone else, why even be with someone? It’s not a good feeling to be the “in the meantime” person.

If it’s not laziness in life or in courtship…..there are TONS o f posers. The guys that hang out downtown and act like they have money, when they have none:

When the song “Gold Digger” came out, and the part where it says “we want pre-nup” you would hear a lot of the guys at the club yell that in unison.. but come on dude, don’t lie…we know you don’t have any money.

So here is what I have found and what I find I need over my years in “Singledom” here in San Diego…

I need a guy with ambition and drive. I need their hustle to match my hustle.

How is that I have accomplished what I have and you on the other hand haven’t done much… oh and you’re pushing 40? Nice.

Guys I have met that are nice and have things going for them, I’m not attracted to…so I try to find the physical attraction because their hearts are so good… but let’s be real. Guys can say they will be your friend when in fact, they do not want to just be your friend. …well there goes that…I move on.

Guys I’ve been attracted to, have nothing going for them, or don’t treat me the way I should be treated which in turn, turns me off …I again, move on.

I’m beginning to wonder.

I’ve heard I’m picky but the truth is…. I am not asking for a lot. These are things I’d like to find in a person, and I’d think most would agree, these are basic things..or am I just completely wrong?

I need romance. I need to feel desired, I know how to make a man feel that way.  I need a guy with a sense of humor..I laugh A LOT. He should probably understand that I will be the funnier one out of the two of us but that’s just the way it’s going to be 😉

Spontaneous. Though I work hard, I know how to play even harder and have no problem taking off at the drop of a dime to take a road trip somewhere. Life is too short. You can still be on a mission and have time to stop and smell the roses.

He needs to be a very sexual person. I have that to offer to a man . He needs to be faithful. I have never cheated. I strongly believe in breaking it off with someone before it goes there and maybe that’s because I have seen infidelity all around me.  I have seen the supposed “nicest guy ever” cheat..it’s disgusting, so I refuse to put anyone through that. I would hope someone would have the same kind of respect for me.

Sometimes people cheat because they are so scared to be alone that they’d rather just cheat and hope they don’t get caught because at the end of the day, they are still with someone…what I have learned from that is…THEY ALWAYS GET CAUGHT….ALWAYS. Are you listening guys? If you are cheating, and haven’t been caught yet, you should start getting scared right about…now…and women too, don’t think you are in the clear here..oh yeah, your day is coming if it hasn’t already.

Though I have been exposed to the world of cheating and immature boys ..I’m not bitter, because I do in fact know they aren’t all like that and know not to mistreat someone because of a past heartbreak.  It saddens me when I hear women punishing their current or future relationships because of what’s happened in their past. Men do this too, I just find women vent about it (to me) a lot more.

Everyday I’m hustlin….

The guy I am going to be with needs to be supportive of every dream. Be it silly or not.

I like to use the analogy: If I say “I want to be the best burger flipper in the world! He better say “Let’s go to Costco buy you hamburger patties in bulk and find you the best spatula in the whole place!”

You know what? All of this may sound silly and like it’s a lot but that’s because I can offer that to someone as well. I am not asking for anything in anyone that I do not have in me. I know how to treat a man like a King..but because he will deserve it, not because I have to.

Issues much?

No, I don’t have major issues. In fact, I’d like to say I’m pretty normal..though I’m not boring..I’m unique. I’ve heard “I have never met anyone like you” and the fact of the matter is, you won’t. I can hang with the guys and often times drink them under the table 😉 and I can be with the girls… Just don’t ask me to go shopping…I am NOT  a shopper.

I know I am not the easiest girl to handle… I’ve been close to getting in relationships..but when it’s time to start sharing my space..I don’t handle that well. When they want to start staying over, using my shower etc, my first thoughts have been: “Umm, don’t you have to go home or something?” I do feel however that when you are with the right person, all of that stuff will fall into place, so I don’t question my behavior too much.

You know what I see though? A lot of guys LOVE drama. yeah..I said it. They love the girl with issues, and sometimes, you’d be surprised that they find women like their mothers. Finding a girl with major issues can make a man feel needed and for the “rescuer” types though every other day they want to kill each other, they will stick around because they feel needed, and fighting and going through drama makes it all feel normal for them.

Sorry to disappoint you guys. I don’t have “Daddy issues” In fact, I have a very loving Father, and Step Father, and loving Mom and Step Mom. Though, in my family we have our days…(who’s family doesn’t) overall, I can say my family is a loving one.

I am stubborn though…and sassy sometimes..but those things don’t outweigh my “Awesome” 🙂 I can honestly say that. I am a happy girl, love being that way, and love making people happy.

“I’m like a diamond with many facets, which make me shine bright…brighter than the brightest star”

Yup, I came up with that one! 😀

So I hear constantly  “Don’t worry, it will happen when you are not looking, or maybe you haven’t really been open enough” Ok, well as of now, open or not open enough…. I haven’t even had the option of a relationship presented to me!

When I hear about the horror stories, it makes me think I should really consider staying single for good…which may not be a bad thing because you are never really lonely if you enjoy the company you’re with.

Can we have it all? The chemistry, and the guy that doesn’t make us cry, that doesn’t hurt us, but has ambition, and goals in life?

This isn’t about perfection.  There is no such thing.  It’s about finding perfection in someones imperfections.

There is a key word…that I believe people say often but don’t put into practice:COMPROMISE!

Ok, so you are a guy who has no idea how to be romantic…the effort alone would be appreciated. Ladies, make an effort to take interest in his interests as well. That will create more bonding time with you both…

As long as you don’t lose yourself in the process you’re all good.

I always say,”Be the person you’d want to be with in a relationship” Treat them as you’d like to be treated..but if even just on a date. Be kind, be interesting, sound interested and put forth an EFFORT! Make her feel special.

Maybe it’s time I consider moving to the East Coast or something? Or should I be the one to adjust, pick up the bong and stop striving for success?

9 comments for “Like a Fish Out of Water

  1. Ann
    May 28, 2010 at 5:28 pm

    hi been reading through your great posts, what ever happened with the Game Set Match guy?  There were no updates.  Guys like that are pretty much impossible to find, and he sounds like he’s everything you are looking for in this post, can I ask if he still single?  If you aren’t seeing him could you please send me his e-mail address, or send him mine?  I’m 34, white, nurse, live in Valencia, no kids, super cute, I can send pics too, thanks!  -Ann

    • May 28, 2010 at 5:48 pm

      Hi Ann. Yes Mr wonderful and I still talk. We found the chemistry wasn’t quite there which is super important but he’s amazing and we still talk and see each other. He’s patient and yes, a rare find. I will forward your email address to him!

  2. LJ Maggie
    May 29, 2010 at 10:49 am

    Love this post. It is so true that guys in Southern California always seem to be looking for the next best thing. I have been there many times. I think I might have finally found someone and the funny thing is, he is from the Midwest like me.
    Trust me I have been exactly where you are and I have had many lonely days.
    I’ll keep sending good thoughts your way that your Mr. Wonderful will come along.

    And no you aren’t being picky. You are staying true to what you want.

    • May 29, 2010 at 10:59 am

      Thank you for the comment, and thank you for reminding me that it’s ok to stay true to what I want. I’m not lonely now… but I just wonder about if there will be a time when I will be. It’s ok to be single now, and not have many options now, but what if I want to settle down someday and I STILL don’t have any options.. I guess I like to at least have a good opportunity in front of me:) I will keep my eye out for those from the Midwest for sure 🙂

  3. LJ Maggie
    June 2, 2010 at 3:32 pm

    Yes the Midwest guys really appreciate a great woman. I was looking for a lot of the same qualities in a guy that you are. It is funny I met him 4 years ago and for whatever reason wasn’t attracted to him then but we stayed in touch and I’m glad we did. He is the person I never knew I was looking for and after getting to know him more I realized he had the two main qualities I was looking for, someone I can have fun with and turns me on.

  4. Angel
    September 5, 2010 at 8:45 am

    Catching up with your posts now, so sorry for zombie commenting, but I must add in my high recommendation for Midwestern men. I dated one this whole summer and, even though I decided not to take it to the next level, he was *almost* perfect in terms of being a solid, monogamous, hardworking guy with down-to-earth ambition. I am seriously considering taking some “vacations” a few states over, just to bask in the manliness of the Midwest!

  5. Rey
    November 2, 2010 at 6:05 am

    Up late at night and reading all your posts. I had to write this on your blog, I just couldn’t resist. It’s been a year since my last comment I made on your post “Miss Communication.” under the name reyrey.

    Although you have many funny posts, this is by far my favorite along w/ two others on your blog. This post resonates with me. “Like Fish Out of Water” You have deep thoughts, it makes me think how beautiful you are (inside and out). You have a good heart Lori, one with good intentions, one who thinks of others and not just yourself.

    Other reasons why I like this post…let me take that back…”Love this post” is that Everything you want in a man, are the same characteristics and values I want in a woman. (romance, spontaneity, supportive of endeavors, non dramatic etc.) I especially like what you said about “Being Sexual” I’m the same way, it’s a must have, even about never cheating, I’ve never cheated either. Based on your post(s) you’re an incredible woman. I like that you’re funny, sassy, smart and ambitious as well.

    Is it just me? Or did I read that you’ve been single for 6 years now? Most people could not stand being alone for that long. For me as long as I’ve been single I’ve been picky myself. I don’t think it’s unrealistic to know what you truly want and sticking to it, especially when it comes to being in a relationship without settling for less. I always tell myself, “I won’t settle for less, but I can settle down with the right one.”

    On a side note: I know I saw you at “I Love Brasil” on Broadway or at least I thought I saw you? My buddy Alex was opening for Marcos Carnaval. Although my mind was out of it since I was fighting a flu, I had to go and support my friend. I’m glad I went though because I wouldn’t have seen a glimpse of you from afar. I think you’re gorgeous and sexy and I wanted to talk to you that night, but I had to leave since I didn’t want to pass what I had or risk myself getting a relapse.

    Anyways I know I’m probably embarrassing myself by writing this long comment on your blog, just like I wrote that long letter to you a year ago, but…I don’t care. If I have to embarrass myself, then I will. I know if I don’t say anything now I will only regret and kick myself in the ass later.

    I don’t know how to say this, but I would like to get to know you in real life. You know, take you on a date? Perhaps talk on the phone for a bit and maybe get some coffee or a drink sometime…Absolutely no expectations just two people getting to know each other…and if nothing else, you’ll make a really cool friend.

    Btw, I’m trying to follow you on twitter but it says your handle doesn’t exist.

    P.S. What if we can have that chemistry & attraction and everything in between? What if you’re not funnier than me? 🙂 lol Just sayin’ I know regardless who’s funnier though, we will definitely have a good time 😉

  6. Rey
    November 2, 2010 at 6:12 am

    BTW, I’d like to apologize for the Gravatar…Obviously that’s not me. It’s my friend Ina’s since I built her blog..and her gravatar is tied to my email…and I haven’t changed the email to hers just yet. So embarrassing on my part…Thanks for understanding lol

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