Chapter 16. Ahhh Gay Paree

A place of love, desire, and romance?..ehhh not so much.

Mr. Perfect is this guy who has taken me on THEE best dates one could ever ask for. We had a lot of awkwardness in the romance department but as I have said in previous posts, I kind of thought he might know something I didn’t. He kept saying that our awkwardness may be a natural thing for something that could turn out to be truly beautiful.

I would try and be affectionate with him..hoping that tingle of “oh my god, yes, I want to be with him” would happen…It wouldn’t come. So every time we’d hold hands or hug or anything…it felt weird.  There were times though, if even a little, I felt I might look at him more than a friend… I’d hold on to that, milk that thing til it was bone dry and at least cling on to the thought of the possibility of it going further…and so we continued.

He came to visit me one weekend and I thought..I have never wanted to be so nice to someone..if anything HE deserved it.  So we spent a few days together and I treated him. I treated him to a spa day at the Estancia Hotel.  We had a great dinner after at Piatti. The next day after he left, I had time to think..and I felt odd, like I had spent the weekend with my gay best friend.

I wanted to shake this feeling because he said it, he said it would be awkward..with such confidence too that I thought..ok, he must be right. I’m just going to go with it.

So why was I trying to force chemistry in something that seemed to already not be there? Because he was a nice guy. Really nice, and really interested in me…which is something I have never had before. I wanted to be the girl who gave the nice guy a chance. I have never met anyone so supportive, so interested in being my biggest fan that I thought..how great would it be if we could get that chemistry down? If we could do that, this would be one amazing relationship.. one where we would be willing to give so much of each other to one another.

As you are reading this, believe it or not, I can hear you…ALL of you: “You can’t force it, if it’s not there it’s not there” YEAH YEAH YEAH I KNOW ok? It’s just that so many of my girlfriends are in shitty relationships or going after douchebags and I wanted to try something unconventional, and though I wasn’t looking to meet “The one” I didn’t want to be stupid if a great guy showed up.

It was only two days after we hung out, that he asked me to join him in France. I couldn’t believe it… WOW. Never have I been offered such a generous gift, and I didn’t even know what to say.

I had some serious thinking to do…because as much as he had said I was just going to be an awesome travel companion..this place was going to be romantic and if I accepted this gift, I had to go there with the intention of starting a relationship with him…or stay home.

I had a long talk with a guy friend and I had expressed my concerns, about the lack of chemistry but that I thought maybe there were times (though few) I could see this going further than a friendship. He said “If you are going to go there, you need to be open to it, or don’t go, because if you go with no intention being open, you’re a dick.”

Damn..he was right, and after much thought I decided to go, be open, ready and willing to continue to try and create that chemistry, and be open to a relationship.  It was going to be such a romantic place how could we not be romantic with each other right?

Before we flew out, I had the discussion with him about how I was feeling and he re-assured me that we were heading in the right direction by saying this:

“It’s going to be awkward, for a while…and let me ask you, with the guys it was there instantly with, where are they now?”

Excellent point. I couldn’t argue….Let’s do this, let the love adventure begin!

When we arrive, this place was like a dream… a HUGE chateau in the South of France. Like Cinderellas castle… it looked magical and breathtaking.  I was like a 5 year old girl..giddy with excitement.  Sunflower fields, beautiful trees, vineyards..just amazing, and all very storybook. Oh yeah, there was NO way we weren’t going to be romantic with each other…this place was far too magical not to.

Or so I thought.

I had been with him since Saturday..it is now Monday when we arrive and I noticed he hadn’t been very affectionate with me. I didn’t look too much into it because his family was there..maybe he didn’t want to be that way in front of them or the guests. I am not one for making out in public but holding hands etc is something I am ok with… There was none of that.

Maybe he was just being a gentleman?  It’s been 7 months and by now, I figure I was going there open and ready to try something…he should be too.

I knew I had only been with him for a short amount of time but we were with each other, never separating since Saturday…

I thought if he didn’t want to be affectionate with me in public, surely in private. I was going to try to see if he’d respond..Well there was a point where I went to hug him and he pushed me away. Alright…. I have been in a relationship before where I didn’t feel desired and I was not about to enter into one already feeling that way. I tried a few more times and got nothing..It didn’t take much for me..I was done.  I mean, we were sleeping in the same room and he wanted nothing to do with me.

What was his problem? He must be gay. I mean, no way would a guy bring me here and not even want to kiss me right? We ended up having a long discussion about the lack of affection. He agreed that he had been treating me like his sister instead of a girlfriend,being emotionally unavailable, and that it was his issue. He apologized, and asked if I wanted to proceed as more than friends or just friends. I told him then that I feel we should just keep it on a friends level at that point because I wasn’t feeling the desire to be affectionate with him at all after that.

He responded with “That hurts because I honestly have feelings for you” Whaaaat? Wow, did NOT expect that from someone who had not even touched me once on this trip. I told him I heard what he was saying but didn’t believe it as his actions showed me different. “You clearly aren’t into me, and I have tried to be affectionate with you, but your rejection has pushed me over the edge” I felt like Carrie from Sex and the City..and in my head a line from the final episode played:

I am someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love. And I don’t think that love is here in this expensive suite in this lovely hotel (chateau) in Paris (Loire Valley).

It’s not your fault..it’s my fault..I shouldn’t have come here

Bam! That’s right, it was MY fault. Even though he rejected me…I still had no business going there.  I went there open to a relationship…just not with the right person.

What a cluster fuck of awkwardness that ensued the following days.  There I was, in this dream like place and no romance from the guy that had taken me there.

I met some INCREDIBLE people though and memories to last a lifetime..like riding segways for the first time ever around Leonardo da Vinci’s castle, and taking dune buggies through vineyards…that, I will hold on to.

Analyze This

When I got home, we discussed the trip over email and phone..both of us trying to analyze things…

He says this to me:

“There are things about how you treat me (or don’t) that remind me of my own mother.”

I went back to my thinking he was gay and got defensive..I wanted to respond with this:

“ Well there are things about you that remind me of the actress Anne Heche

but whatever..you’re totally gay”

I went against my defensive response by the way.

I asked him to break the Mom comparison down..A.S.A.P. I was dying to know what to he meant by that!

He said I was emotionally cold with him and his Mom is like that..which in my defense mode sounded like “You are a heartless bitch with ice running through your veins”

He went on to say that I feel such an air of entitlement…finding so many things wrong with my dates and he has been trying to figure out how no one has won my heart for 5 years.  I  had to remind him that yes I am single but he is much older than me and is still single as well. So he should take a look in the mirror before he points the finger at me.  I hated having to do that..but I had to prove a point.

He was right about one thing though…the affection was not natural.  He said I may not be that way with other guys, just him. He had just made the perfect point. I am a super affectionate girl. Even with my girlfriends…and DEFINITELY with a guy I’m into. That said everything..I’m not into him….and as we went back and forth and discussed all of the misconceptions we had about each other..only one thing was clear….Mr. Perfect and I, for whatever reason, just can’t seem to get it together, romantically. I am totally fine with that..accept it..and accept the fact that I have NO desire to pursue anything with him from here on.

Sooo He’s Mr. Francy Pants?

No, he’s not gay. I think women just say that often times to deal with rejection..it’s the only thing that makes sense to us…but in reality, not everyone is going to like us. That doesn’t mean they are gay.

He said we will both find someone who will be more compatible with us.

I agree. I feel like I’ve been in a fog for the last year, and this trip snapped me back to reality. I have been going out with guys I know I am not attracted to, but trying anyway because I figure if they are nice, maybe the chemistry will come later… I know you can’t do that..and if it does it’s rare.  You have to have passion for each other.

So, I realized..what happened was deeper than this trip..I needed to do some serious self evaluation here. I keep doing this to myself!!! This isn’t the first time a trip has ended in disaster! I keep going for the nice guy even if though there is no chemistry and no, not because it’s safe, but because I want to try something different than what I see so many women doing….. so when they end up being something other than I thought, I’m surprised? Really?

Regardless of the fact that Mr. Perfect admitted to pushing me away and continuously apologized for treating me like his sister when he said he was in fact into me.. it’s still my fault. All of it. Really. That’s why the dating must stop now.

So that’s it..I’m done with dating for now…seriously, no flirting, giving out my number, nothing.

I even went out the other night and a guy walked up and said “Hi, I’m…” before I even let him finish,I said “No” LOL. What a bitch! I don’t care. I’m doing whatever it takes to stay away from any guys interested in talking to me for anything other than a friendship right now until I am damn sure I can stay out of the “nice guy, no chemistry = happiness” fog. Just typing that out makes no sense.

When I do decide to start dating again..it’s going to be simple..if I don’t feel it…I am not going to push it, and I’m going to let it go. I tend to hold on because I want their friendship and I don’t want to look like a bitch but I have to realize that is just not how men work. They can say all day they will be your friend after you have rejected them but most of the time it doesn’t work out that way…and in the end I may look like a bitch anyway.

I give myself credit for trying…and cannot thank him enough for the generous gift he gave me…not just of the flight and inviting me to such a beautiful place but opening my eyes and reminding me of what I really want and need, that really is the best thing I got out of this trip…so grateful for that.

So there it is… after getting comments on my blog from women who don’t even know this guy…like  “He sounds perfect, it’s right under your nose” I can say you know what?…. unless you know him and have gone out with him, don’t tell me how I’m supposed to feel. Hilarious how I got comments from people saying they would date him…really? How do you know that? Have you gone out with him? Have you been around him to know that? No? Ok, then shut the fuck up.

Oh so you are saying to date him just because he can take me to France anytime? Ohhh you materialistic ho’s! Oh and yes..I have gotten the “Girrrrrl, you need to stay with him just for the trips!”

I don’t work that way.

So unless you have gone out with Mr. Perfect yourself don’t tell me what I’m missing out on. Everyone is different with everyone. In this case he was one way with me, and may not be that way with others he’s dated but all I can base my feelings on is what happened with me…and that was that everything physical was completely out of place.

I am not the girl who you can take on a trip and expect her to do all the work simply because you took her there.

I felt he wasn’t “take charge” enough. Where he thought I should be more aggressive, my thought was that HE should be towards me. Welcome to the world of being a man, of seducing….I mean along with your dick that I assume is there, are a nice set of balls in the literal and figurative sense that you should use to show a woman you’re interested right? Why are you waiting for me to make a move?

I shouldn’t have to show a guy how to take me. I need to be with a man who will (as a girlfriend stated) “Take what’s on a platter displayed in front of him for him to feast on!”

Couldn’t agree more! I don’t need a caveman claiming his woman or anything…just don’t want my dick to be bigger than yours.
Happy Dating,

The Ice Queen

Oh and by the way..don’t really call me that…I’ll find you…and punch you in your throat.

7 comments for “Chapter 16. Ahhh Gay Paree

  1. September 20, 2010 at 9:56 am

    If it “doesn’t feel right”, it will never feel right. Or that’s what my experience says. If you are looking for love, you should trust your instincts. However not every relationship is based on love and are yet successful. I guess we just need to know what our priorities are. My ex-husband and I agreed on at least one thing. We never felt “that thing” for each other. We had really good times together but just not in the bed. I always had to force myself to initiate something with him in the bed. In the end it didn’t work.

    • September 20, 2010 at 3:36 pm

      Wow…thank you for being so honest. I think you hit the nail on the head by saying “That thing” hard to describe but EVERYONE knows what that thing is because you just ….feel it. Sorry your marriage didn’t work out but gotta say it takes guts to admit when it’s not right and guts to move on from it.

      • September 21, 2010 at 8:14 am

        Thanks. Yes I would feel really guilty when I would be terribly attracted to some other man and then come home and have crazy sex with my ex-husband. Imagine if you don’t feel like that at the start of a relationship, what it would be like a few years in your relationship! So yes, don’t force yourself to feel something that isn’t there. 🙂

  2. Just Saying
    September 20, 2010 at 1:29 pm

    BEEN THERE, DONE THAT!

    I wanted so bad to have chemistry with a man DB that I thought it would delevop over time. He was everything I wanted as far as appearances. body, sense of humour, and things in common went, he was the cats fuckin MEOW! No spark during the kiss, even worse and clumsy during sex… we just couldnt make it work. *sigh*

    Proud of you for regonizing the things you did about yourself and your wants etc.

    Aside from being able to relate to this posting, I have no advice of “you’ll meet someone when you’re not looking etc” cos I personally think its a crock of shit.

    Keep dating, here and there. As hard as it can be, I take a little lesson about men, myself and life in general from it all.

    xo

    • September 20, 2010 at 3:34 pm

      Thank you for the comment! I’m actually right there with you on the whole ” you’ll find him when you aren’t looking” bullshit..I don’t really believe that. Good to know someone out there has gone through what I did and thank you for the encouragement 🙂

  3. September 21, 2010 at 2:05 am

    Attraction isn’t a choice 😉

  4. Kevin
    September 27, 2010 at 4:07 pm

    Having only been in two relationships I still think I learned one thing is I feel like “that thing” definitely needs to be there from the start and from both people. But there also needs to be other factors to continue to build the relationship. It’s a bummer that you feel like stopping this pursuit but I think I also understand because after a few failed attempts myself with finding someone I am feeling the same way. I think i will still try the dating thing but more just for getting to know more people and learn more about myself.

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